Some days are better than others right from the start. Other than the fact that I woke up in a good mood, I’m not sure what makes the difference really. Most days I wake up feeling like I’m burdened with the life I have to live. I’m not saying I actually feel burdened but if I had to describe the core feeling I wake up with every day that would be the best description. You know how people say the best days of your life are when you’re young, well that’s true. I’m only twenty one and already I’m constantly reminded of all the things I should have but never did. Certain regrets such as not making the grades you know you very well could have, or not having the backbone to get yourself out of that bad crowd you’d been sucked into.
One can only wonder if the choices your offspring will make will be equally resented. You think perhaps there are key words you can use to get through to them, maybe something your own parents forgot to mention in their lectures. However thinking back your own parents did exactly what you plan on doing to prevent the cycle from repeating itself. How can you give your kids the information you think is helpful without seemingly pushing your own beliefs onto them? I think that’s where rebellion initiates, when the child feels the natural instinct to steer away from conformity, regardless of what it is they’d be “conforming” to. The motivation to be an individual in the rawest sense of the word, that’s the seed in which rebellion later emerges from.
Is smoking weed addictive? Hell yes. Well I guess that really depends on the person you’re asking. Someone who says no either doesn’t want to be affiliated with you more casual loud and proud stoner. Or maybe they think they are strong enough to willfully stop had they ever needed to.
Overall I’d smoking weed is pretty evenly balanced with pros and cons other than the fact that is illegal none of the other cons seem to come into play as long as you smoke in moderation…
So today I thought I should really look at smoking as more of a privilege than something to do when I’m bored. I thought maybe that frame of mind would help keep an equal balance of priorities. I also think it may come off as more of a reward if I felt like I actually did something productive before indulging. I can’t really say this new decision helps with the cravings though
Air and I were saying hello to one of the security guards we hadn’t seen in a couple nights to be honest until yesterday we thought he got fired. Turns out he was trying to patch things up on another site and only returned to patch up things at our complex. We chatted for a while mostly just about grievances with a particular fellow security guard. Through the course of this conversation we learned how desperate this guy had actually been to hold on to this contract. Within seconds of walking away from him we both snickered about our plan to try to get the contract for her dad. Do I feel bad … absolutely not … why not you ask? The answer is threefold one we could gain some favor from her dad, two we could gain favor with the owner , and most of all three because if there’s money to be made between possible candidates for new security contracts then why not have it go in someone’s bank who were related to
Air and I were considering being completely up front with the apt management despite the mark we have against me to try and convince them we are honest if nothing else. Now I’m reflecting on all the people who aren’t here who were before a few of them are gone but most of the tenants stayed and it has been about six months. In fact most of the people who actually left were staff eventually everybody from the old management was fired. Since then we have personally noticed better management. One girl isn’t here anymore who, I think briefly may have lived here rent free anyway she blew it with the owner and kind of got transitioned out of working there at all. Mauricio left the same way, he was the maintenance man with a huge family and pretty absent service if I’m being honest even after the new management took over he was never the guy they used for housing mostly labor come to think of it.
With all this I wonder when a good time would be considering we have a deadline on what our options need to be determined and put into course of action. Even greater I don’t think either of our parents want us to stay I’d be interested to see how it all turns out.
In general retrospect… I gotta say my relationship is definitely improved since the last week or so. Hard to say what exactly triggered the sudden revival so to speak, because so many things have led up to this point slowly surely and suddenly all at once. Things we had planned long ago ended up clearing up possible but unnecessary problems in the future. We have both been communicating a lot better. And I think us getting some new toys so to speak (in no way derogatory). we spent a little money on ourselves and each other for the first time in quite a while. I’m not sure if what we bought had anything to do with things being different for a while but I don’t dare make such an insinuation on such a sensitive topic. I think in general we feel like a family and we are working things out the way a loving family would instead of dysfunctional. I think my up-bringing and hers being so different made both of us so vulnerable. Only until now with Cosmo here we are equally maturing in tiny ways one day at a time. Bottom line is we’re closer and I feel good about it.
Yesterday I shed a couple tears. I noticed when I’m under the influence I’m a lot more sensitive. I thought of my own father and how he stopped trying to be a husband and father. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great guy to this day and I love him very much but the way things happened between the family kind of rub me the wrong way. When my parents divorced my dad took my brother and I stayed with my mom so I always wondered why Matthew was chosen instead of me. On top of that I hardly saw either of them after they moved out. The both of them just came by on their own time it seemed. My mom kept the house and I had lost access to about three different rooms. Reflecting on the details too much will only upset me again. I just wish my dad would make the time to call me every now and then, but even more than that I wish Cosmo never has to feel abandoned or less favored as I did.
The truth about tia… I feel the best way to describe our relationship is consistency. She and I were very close when we were about seventeen eighteen years old but then I got sent to out to texas and hadn’t made my own way back until I was nineteen. When I returned to Orlando thinking its seemed like all my friends just forgot about me and the ones who remembered me wished they didn’t. tia was the only person I knew and even tried to keep in touch with in those last two years. She picked me up from the bus station I had a full beard a head full of nappy dirty hair. I smelled pretty bad from what people were saying at least. Anyway tia took me to my mom’s house and of all the people mom was the first person to shut her door on me since I had even been in fl. Tia was more upset than I had been since I had been used to sleeping on streets by that point. My mom told her to take us to the coalition home and tia said okay but ultimately refused and dropped me off with a mutual friend. Bradley was one of my best friends for a short time. He ended up letting me hang out but wasn’t much help afterwards I saw another guy I knew from earlier years living in Florida but all I got from him was chance to shower and shave. I had some money but no id so a hotel was out of the question it was those next few days when I realized how little anyone would ever do for me again. Eventually I got a an id then a hotel. Where I spent most of my time alone or getting into to trouble to try and generate some revenue. I hung out with tia a few times since that first night I was in Orlando and I can honestly say she is the only person from my high school class who hasn’t changed a bit. Everyone else is either completely too good for everyone they knew when they were younger or just not anyone you’d want to waste your time talking to. Her and Keith I should say. Even my best friends from years ago wouldn’t be considered a friend at all nowadays. Air was suspecting there was something more than that between tia and I. i told her it wasn’t but never explained why me and tia are so close. I don’t talk to tia much anymore she keeps promising she’ll come see Cosmo but never actually does. He’s about three months old now he hasn’t even met her yet. I hope she’s doing as good as she told me she was when I spoke to her on the phone. She’s a good friend. Never more and never less.
I asked air how much I had spent on smoking and she said I spent sixty in the past three weeks. She also said it wasn’t bad considering I used to go through a bag I spent sixty on in three days. You pay for quality I suppose… I used to have to pay for convenience with one of my past dealers. He used to sell me a bag for sixty that I would get for forty if he didn’t need to drive so far to get here. Liked to be called G, he was alright. He was putting himself through college full time with the money he made and in general was pretty successful considering his age. I guess knowing who you gotta know is all you need to make money, in that line of work anyway. I could never be a successful drug dealer. I’m far too paranoid for anything even remotely illegal let alone the thought of having to deal with drug addicts. It’s a nightmare even trying to imagine. I don’t know why so many young males are drawn to the idea. Its like its written in our dna or something. If any guy tells you that he smokes weed or did when he was a teen, and the thought of easy money never crossed there mind at least once. You have every right so yell “bullshit”. Now trying to sell drugs and thinking about it are two different things so don’t make an ass of yourself by assuming. However I feel like we are all proned to at least thinking about stuff like scams or quick profit scenarios . It’s like part of going through puberty or something you must complete this stage at some point before you graduated from puberty. Those men who claim it never happened probably never are probably right, then again they probably didn’t feel their balls drops at some yet either.
Ya know I was thinking you gotta be at a certain level of desperation to try hard drugs the sad thing is you gotta be desperate enough for the ultimate high… after you achieve it, it burns like a moth in a flame and nothing more in your life has been fulfilled. The worse part is if you fail to realize this and you will, you chase that high for as ever long as you feel you have to. You actually have to become desperate for a decent life right away or you might as well just take a tour of your local shelter or coalition home. You will soon learn what is in store for yourself. Once you become a homeless drug addict it’s pretty much the end of the line. Those guys get lost from day to day just trying to raise enough coin to get wasted and pass out in the woods with their buddies. It’s a sad and vicious circle too early for me to be contemplating on things I saw when I was too young to see. I have to take my son to a Dr.’s appointment in a few hours we have to ride the bus halfway there and walk the rest I hope the day is cool. It rained last night and its freezing outside so maybe that’s a good thing. Anyway I should pack the bags I’ll be taking so….
Turns out the dr.’s appointment was next week I would have remembered or maybe even have been reminded if Erika hadn’t gotten soaked in the rain a little while back, and on that topic the replacement phone her company sent her is in really bad condition as far as functionality goes. Erika and I have been doing good I finally see the mature voice of reason from both her and i. I gotta say getting a job definitely gave her the sexual attraction she was missing. Cosmo misses her during the days she is at work though. This morning he never went back to sleep as if that would keep her here. Now were watching a television favorite of mine. It’s always sunny in Philadelphia
Cosmo is sleeping right now and mommy is next to him. He has his teddy bear clutched inside his little palm. His aunt Josie bot it for him before he was even born and he has become quite accustomed to it. Air is adjusting to her new work schedule but it seems to be wearing her down slowly but surely we keep trying to figure out ways to make her commute more bearable so she is sending me to the store to look for a coffee maker I threw blender in there to sweeten the deal and she’ll be working at the time of the purchase so I will have to have Cosmo there with me he usually sleeps through any shopping that takes place during his nap schedule anyway.
Having a good day, now at least it started out long but all the work I did earlier ended up paying off towards the end. Cosmo is playing with toys but air still isn’t home I think she has about an hour before she’ll even be showing up. It really is inconvenient not having a car but I think rushing into buying a new one is where most people mess up. I have been trying to convince family that a car right now would do more harm than good considering the money it costs to keep up with a car and gasoline alone is outrageous.
Okay so I’m going into some deep thought so if you can’t handle it too bad. Women who do adult films are kinda sad if you think about it. If you look at it the way I do any girl who is doing it for quick cash is in no way better than a lady of the night willing to do it on camera. So what is the difference between a porn star and a prostitute? Lets think they are all women that for the right price will do most anything. They are or were at a low point in their social status when they first committed themselves to this new line of work so to speak. I mean no girl does it for fun .
I want to be successful so my family can be taken care of I thought owning a small business could be my ticket to a more promising life. Ideas are floating through my head like crazy I just need a leg up to get a decent running start air is supportive but can be equally discouraging when she gives feedback and I don’t wanna mention anything to anyone else I want to accomplish my goal with no help from anyone except the contacts I make in the course of this process. I wanna start out at the fle market across the street renting a table is only 38 dollars a day and ill build my reputation there when I make enough and have a considerate demand and clientele to expand I want to lease an office and make it more professional. I think business cards would be a huge help as far as advertisement and really all id need to get a reputable business noticed. I’m gonna make it happen. Lets see I’m 22 in about two weeks by the time I’m twenty five I want to be leasing. That’s my first and main goal. I’ll post frequently and make new goal as I update my progress.
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I had a spiritual reawakening recently. I’m reminded of a deal I made with God about four years ago. I told Him I would submit to Him if He had simply proven His existence to me. He did and in the course of the six months thereafter I had become a lot closer to the word of God. Once I left there I had nowhere to go. It wasn’t long before I got sidetracked with old habits. It took me four years to get to the point I’m at now with my son and his mother. The other day I had a moment where two men offered a ride to me and my son. Cosmo was sound asleep in his car seat which I was lugging around all day. The driver ended up being a Puerto Rican named angel and he introduced his passenger as his dad. I mentioned a funny story about a taxi ride from earlier and Angel responded “oh my father lives here he can give you a ride if you need to go somewhere.” It wasn’t until I was getting out that I realized I never got the Angels dad’s name so I asked. He responded “Angel” . i remember thinking and maybe even saying out loud oh like father like son. I took the card Angel Jr. passed me it had Angel sr.’s phone number written on the back side of what I thought was an index card. Once I brought Cosmo upstairs and got settled down, I flipped the index card over to see a Christian ministry logo on the front. The next day morning I woke up so excited I remember saying something along the lines of a couple of Angels offering a ride to my son and me, Angel was Jesus and his father was god just saying hello. It felt as if God was gently reminding me about our deal from years before, and how truly simple it would be to keep on the right track. It was perfect.
Interesting last few days… talk more about it later Cosmo is fussy
Comedy is was and always will be a big part of my life. Sitting inside four walls all day has really been confusing my talent. What I mean by that is I used to love to make a crowd happy now that I haven’t been doing stand-up so I haven’t had any reason to leave the house… I have no because all of my previous material was simple stories with attitude. Being a comic is not taught to be believed as something parents wish their children would become once they grow. Since there is no guaranteed one time even paycheck there is no incentive for people to take it seriously enough to make actual money. Its not a career but always a gig. For me it was a calling. When Cosmo was made aware of I had to stop myself from falling into my old ways. Comedy was always a passion of mine now I envision a dream or goal. I have so much to get out I got a guaranteed set. I’m gonna try to get some of it out on p aper but I plan on going on again and probably sooner than later. The beauty of comedy is it’s a blend of all the comic has to tell. Its dark and sinister but sarcastically optimistic, once the laugh is heard the joke is perfected. I can tell you a story that happened five years ago but give enough details to make the audience feel the experience for themselves the laughter is a token of appreciation. I miss being vain…
Just so you know I didn’t read anything else you wrote….I just wanted to tell you that you’re an amazing father and the best companion that I could ask for. I’m sure I don’t say it as often as I should but I’m so thankful for all you do for us. I love you so much Christopher Michael there are no words to tell you just how much. I love you baby :-D
Love Erika :-D
As much as it will pain me to write this after reading that surprise entry from air there are things I feel I must get off my chest as far as… well let me just assume my normal starting methods for the following entry. This girl I grew up with, her name is not important but anyway this girl is a great catch in so many words. I knew her years ago and apparently I blew any chances I ever had before. anyway I met up with her recently after about four years of not seeing her at all. She is in a dark place right now but she’s resilient. In retrospect I have been contemplating whether or not I chose the right path in the past. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for all I have, its just interesting to see how life unfolds as years come to pass…
So I checked out this website I used to spend a lot of time on before. its pretty much a forum for music lovers and artists alike. I created a listener profile since I don’t have any songs of my own. I never did accomplish what I had planned last time I had the time needed to pursue anything. The general thirst for fame has subsided but the fire inside will never go out until the day I die. My whole life I’ve wanted the life only a rock star could call his own. As time went on I couldn’t find anybody else with the same level of desire so I gave the idea of a band up. I kept writing lyrics which eventually went on to be considered mere poetry. I looked into getting published for a brief while but in all honesty it still doesn’t appeal to me. I ended up calling myself a comedian when all other plans fell through and now… as a father I can’t exactly lead by example and entertain. Cosmo is the greatest thing in my life right now, maybe I can pursue entertainment vicariously through him…
Curtis and I are chillin… listening to music reflecting our own cultures to one another. This is Male bonding, so to speak its interesting hearing some of his insights. He likes the rappers who rap about actual situations, which indicates he listens to music and not noise. I was already a fan of some of the guys he is playing off my speakers through his laptop. The song playing right now is fresh to the airwaves. It’s cool to hear some of these things because as I listen Curtis adds his thoughts and criticism. I just played a video I made for Erika’s father for his birthday … I showed it to Curtis who liked it but gave some criticism that I took to heart.
It’s my birthday today… I’m older now… at least officially… I’m only 22 today already I have a three month old son and a girlfriend who is only 20. Anyone from our parents generation would think we were too quick to have a kid but personally I prefer to be younger when raising a child I mean, my father never participated in physical activities with me as a boy the most I ever got out of him was maybe a Frisbee being thrown between he and i. my dad always had an excuse not to do stuff I wanted to do as a child. Working for Federal express as a courier he was always to scared he’d break a bone and lose his pension… at least that’s what he told me. I was in a car accident last year and my back was pretty messed up at first but God walked me through a full recovery. I hope I never have to tell Cosmo I can’t do sports due to a physical ailment. I want to be young fun and awesome when it comes to fatherhood. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I try so hard to be friendly that when I run out of the resources I use to maintain friendly relationships, I usually don’t keep the “friend” around much longer…. What I mean by that is people I talk to tend to get the full advantage of my friendship as far as benefits go… this buddy of mine, Curtis was coming around for a while and constantly mentioned weed every time we hung out at first… I was too cautious to enjoy his company until the last week. Long story short now that I have finally submitted to the idea of helping him (which is about a month into the new association as neighbors/friends); I have no money to keep any pot lying around for myself. I have no money to buy the herb to keep him coming by and hanging out. I have no profit margin from any intentions either he or I might have as far as selling weed. The worst part of everything is the first two out of four days of erikas time off of work I have had virtually no time on my hands to spend with her and cosmo… here’s the punchline you ready? I turned 22 yesterday… tomorrow I’m going to tell Curtis I have lost a month of time I could have spent cultivating my relationship. Our original agreement was to just direct traffic to him so he could make some money tending to matters… it sounded so simple listen for rumors share the rumors with the appropriate people introduce go home and smoke at the end of the day to celebrate… this wouldkeep me busy in spare time and Curtis with money for his family… unfortunately my family is being affected while nothing else at all seems to be different at all. One month ago I was happy at spending 80- 100 dollars a month and hanging exclusively with air and cosmo now. I feel like I have a nine to five job a kid an unhappy woman and mother to the child and a run down 22 year old body. Curtis is still as comfortable as he was last month as are the rest of his family. The double edged sword has only one sharp blade I guess… nothing is worth the cost of comfort and true bliss… even if it comes off as that good to be true…
I haven’t made an entry in about 2 months now this is the first since we gained internet access
Just realized my keys were in my front door all of last night until this morning
peace
crash!
http://florida.arrests.org/search.php?fname=Christopher&lname=Lebron&=search&fpartial=True in case no one took me seriously when i said "LOOK ME UP!!!"
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